A TV show poster, modeled after The Crown. Image found here. Editing done by me.
Enter the story of Arthur and Merlin in a “Netflix Original” series (absolutely not real) entitled The Crown and the Sword.
February 22, 2020 at 6:34 pm
I read the trailer on your storybook and wanted to share my thoughts with you! First off, I think your choice to do a TV/Movie style script with visual descriptions was a really cool idea. It makes the story pretty easy to visualize and definitely ups the drama. I think that choosing to do your introduction as a trailer for the series was also a really good choice. The trailer did a great job of hinting at key plot points and conflicts, and it provides just enough to leave a reader curious about the full story. That all being said, I think that the only issue that I noticed was that some of the sentences feel like they might be a little forced or awkward if someone was to say them aloud. For instance, “The crown is on his head, and he said, get her out of here!” I definitely understood what you were saying here, but I feel that it interrupted the flow of the dialogue a little bit. This might just be a grammar or punctuation thing. In any case, I’d encourage you to read all the lines aloud and play with the wording until you feel like it works!
Great job! I look forward to reading more!
February 23, 2020 at 2:49 am
Okay, first of all, let me just say that this needs to be an actual series now. I know there’s already a Merlin series on Netflix, but I need this, NOW. I could see this trailer playing in my head as I read the transcript. This is a unique and really interesting format, it really allows for great visuals (mental visuals, if that makes sense) of the action and the characters. I got a lot of little hints of drama to come with the different character interactions, and being unfamiliar with King Arthur, I’m excited to read the coming installments. When I was reading this, I got a real sense of movement, if that makes sense. It felt very dynamic and alive, which is part of the reason why I desperately want this to be an actual series. That being said, I do agree with Rhys that some of the sentences felt a little forced, but then again, this is a different time period, and therefore a different way of speaking, so you could chalk it up to that. All in all, I really loved this. Great job!
February 24, 2020 at 1:27 am
At first glance I thought I was on the wrong website! You really did design this very well and the whole set up is spot on! I liked the dialog of the trailer and I could see it play out in my head! Im sure that s what you were going for so it was spot on! I cant wait to read more of this!
February 24, 2020 at 5:10 am
So I’m still learning about how these sites work, but your story site looks very professional and well done… I only hope mine looks a little like yours. As I started reading the trailer part of your story page, I almost got a game of thrones type image in my mind. I really like stories like that and enjoy a good heroic battle which I hope you plan on writing about… if not no worries… One thing that did kind of confuse me with your story was how the characters were laid out in the narrative. I think it might just be a formatting thing but I was very distracted when trying to read who was saying what and then trying to follow along with the story as well. Overall though I think you have a very good start to your story project, and I cant wait to read more as the semester goes on.
March 1, 2020 at 10:59 pm
I think that the way you are doing your storybook is really creative. I like the use of your homepage and how there are so many visuals. You did a really good job with the trailer! I could picture the whole thing, and it really kept me engaged. You did a good job of showing enough information in the trailer, but leaving plenty out where the reader is definitely curious. I started on episode 1 and I am looking forward to reading more. The only critique I have is that the formatting makes it a little hard to follow along. I was really confused at first on this particular part-COURTIER
What will your name be?
The name that will be known throughout history, sire. The name you will take as king.
I had to read it a few times to get that Arthur hadn’t actually answered with this real name after the courtier asked what his name will be. I am not sure if there is a better way to make it flow, but it may make it an easier read if there was a way to make it less difficult to follow along with what each character was saying. Overall, I really enjoyed this trailer!
March 7, 2020 at 8:16 pm
Hi Dani. First off, your trailer sounds incredible! I need this series NOW! Have you written in this format before? If not, you have a real knack for it. And after reading Episode One I see that not only have you continued with the script format, it has gotten even better! From the trailer script I did not think this would be a modern re-telling of the King Arthur story, but I love that it is! Also doing your Author’s Note as a Director’s Note was a nice touch. What was it about the “The Sword in the Stone, a King Arthur Legend of the Sword Story ~ Legends Stories for Kids” version of this story that you liked? I’m actually taking Arthurian Legend and Literature this semester and if I’m being totally honest, I think I like your story better than most of the ones we’ve read so far.
March 22, 2020 at 7:41 pm
Hi Dani! I have really enjoyed your storybook so far, I think the idea of a tv show is very creative and original. The design of your website is also great, it fits perfectly with the mystery of the show. My only critique with the design is that some things are a little hard to find, like your author’s notes; instead of having the link in the pictures, I would put the link in the title itself where it says Director’s Notes. I would also add a link to your comment wall in each of the episode pages. Aside from that, I really like the story. The trailer was definitely strange to read, but you did a great job of providing visual cues to imagine it in video format. It was great to recognize the little bits that were mentioned in the trailer when I read the first story. If you are looking for some Arthur/Merlin inspiration, I would recommend you see some clips of the BBC Merlin, it is an amazing show. Overall you have done a great job so far and I can’t wait to find out what happens to Arthur!
April 3, 2020 at 4:28 pm
The design of your website is very unique and cool! It goes along with your stories very well! I like the idea of making it look like a Netflix series page. One suggestion I have for the “Home” page is to maybe change the way the ‘Comment Wall’ section is presented. The gold glitter in the background picture makes the white words somewhat difficult for me to read. But other than that your Home page is fantastic!
Also, you may consider adding a tab for your “Director’s Notes.” I like the way the link is currently presented on the bottom of each page, however, another option at the top while being duplicative would also be more user-friendly and easier to find. But I love the way it currently looks as like a behind-the-scenes YouTube special on how the episodes were made. Overall, this is such a great project and you are such a creative, talented person!
April 4, 2020 at 5:08 pm
Hi Dani! I really enjoyed your story so far! It is definitely very easy to get invested and engaged in. I have always loved the sword and the stone story or stories with merlin and magic! Your version of it was very well written and well thought out! It was unfortunate how much Arthur felt on his shoulder after the children in the boat incident. I never expected that! Way to keep people on their toes! I also liked the design of your web site as well! Everything seems to go perfectly with your theme! It is also cool that you made it look like a Netflix series! The layout of your story was different too! I enjoyed reading it like a transcript it was easy to follow along! I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else do it that way either. Over all fantastic job on your work and can’t wait to see the rest of what you come up with!
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